– Oh. (coughs) It smells like a wet dog. – Yeah. (upbeat Americana music) Welcome to Food Fears where I make something you hate taste great. You might recognize my
guest from his appearance on Lopez Tonight, it’s Link Neal. – (chuckles) Okay.
– Welcome Link. – That’s how we’re gonna start this huh? – Have you done other things? I’m really only familiar
with your Lopez Tonight. – That’s the last thing I remember. – Well thank you for being here. You may or may not know what you’re in for a little bit. – Whenever you and a
food helmet are involved, I get nervous. – So I’ve watched you gag
and spit up on so many foods over the years and I
really hope you don’t gag on the final dish I’m
about to make you today because we are eating, we’re
eating, it’s penis, yeah. We’re eating penis.
– That is a, that’s a wiener. – This is from a bull so
it is technically kosher, if you’re worried about that. – [Link] Why is it rolled
up like Fruit By The Foot? – That’s what all penises look like. So you’ve eaten penis a lot on the show. – Josh?
– What? – Okay, you know what, yes, that is what all penises look like. – Okay so you’ve eaten
penis a lot of times on the show, you never seem to enjoy it. You seem kinda scared of it. What about the penis
scares you in particular? – (clears throat) Mine even scares me. Have you seen it?
– No. – That wasn’t an offer. Well, oh man look at that angle. – The more angles you look at it, the worse it’s gonna get. – Yeah it’s just not the thing that, it’s not the thing that when you’re hungry you find yourself
craving, at least not me. – That’s my goal. I am hoping to get you to
fall in love with the penis. (laughs) But first we need to try
the penis in its pure, raw form so I’ve just simply–
– Keep saying penis. When I was a child, I called it a peeto. – A peeto, if it’d make
you more comfortable, I can say we have to eat
this boiled peeto right now. – You’re saying we’re gonna eat this. – Yeah, I need to get a
flavor profile to know how to build the flavors in my dish to try and get you to
love this so I will try and take a bite with you. – That doesn’t make any sense, okay. Okay yeah, oh, you want me
to have the curly-cue one. – I think you should try the tip. – This is your show, I
don’t know what you do. – Yeah no we’re supposed to
just gingerly touch our tips. – Okay.
– The skin right there, there’s some hairs attached but the skin right there’s gonna
be your filet mignon penis. – Oh. (coughs) It smells like a wet dog. – Yeah, mm-hmm. This is where pee comes from. It’s probably the reason. I like the way he’s
using his tongue with it. – It’s unchewable. – Wow. – There’s no way, Josh. There’s no way that I can even. (coughs) – Maybe just try and get the flavor. – There’s no way I can describe it that won’t have a double meaning. – Yeah we’re into it.
– It’s difficult. It’s so hard, it’s so stiff.
– It’s so hard and so stiff and that means that I am coming up against some stiff challenges to try and get you to like this. – Yeah I don’t even know how
you’re gonna make it dineable. – That’s for me to figure out. If you come back in a hour or so, I’ll have a fully prepared
beautiful penis dish for you to eat. – There’s some right here on my diastema. (upbeat country music) – There are three keys to success in life: hard work, determination,
and cleaning your penis. And we’re really only gonna
hit that third one today. We’re gonna slice a knife
down the center of the urethra to expose it and then we’re gonna run that under cold water while
massaging it to really get any trace of urine out. Now that our penises are clean,
we can pressure cook them. We’re just gonna toss in
an onion, toss in a lemon, salt, a little peppercorn,
a bunch of oregano, then in go our little bouquet of penises. Cook well, penises. Then we’re gonna set that to
45 minutes on high pressure on the Instant Pot, and then ready to go. I’m not going to be making
a traditional pizza sauce per se but it is a traditional
Italian tomato sauce that is typically with a dish called bucatini all’Amatriciana
from the town of Amatrice and so it typically starts
with cured pork gel. I’m gonna substitute the
penis for the pork gel. It’s very fatty that gets sauteed in oil. Now your penis is nice and crispy, you’re gonna add all your
aromatics, so that means onion, right into the penis pan, garlic, crushed red pepper, and
then you’re just continue to saute for a couple minutes. You can see that all
incorporating really beautifully. That’s one of the best-looking
penises I’ve seen in awhile. Crushed tomato, and then,
just a little bit of sugar just to kinda neutralize that acidity, and then this is just gonna
cook down for about 10 minutes and then you have a really
beautiful penis sauce to go on your penis pizza. Next up, penis pesto. How many times can I say penis? Find out on the next
episode of penis penis. My strategy to combat the
fatty texture of that penis is to hit it with a lot of
bright and herbaceous ingredients which is why I’m making a penis pesto and I don’t think those
words have ever been uttered in succession in human existence so that’s really exciting for me. So we’re just gonna start by
throwing a bunch of basil, some olive oil in there. We got garlic, we got
pecorino, we got pine nuts, and then just a little bit
of lemon for that acid. And then we’re just gonna pulse this. (mixer whirs) So we’re just gonna dump that into a bowl and then what we have here
is a bunch of bull penis that’s been braised and just diced up into really tiny pieces. We’re gonna fold that right into there. Yum. The third way I’m incorporating
penis into the dish is gonna be via a penis Parmesan powder which is gonna be actually
fried braised penis chunks. They’re gonna turn
almost like chicharrones so super crispy, then
I’m gonna bash those up and turn it into a powder,
combine it with Parmesan, oregano, a little bit of garlic, crushed red pepper and then mix it all up and there you got your crunchy
garlic Parmesan penis powder. You know penis powder, just like you get at your local mom and
pop pizza penis shop. Mom and penis pizza pop shop. Penis pizza mom and pop pizza penis. Now we just have to make the
pizza which is really strange because of all the things
that we’ve done before this. The final pizza obviously
starts with the dough and I’m kinda of influenced by Pizza Hut’s original pan crust here and so we press it into the pizza pan, then the
all’Amatriciana penis sauce goes on top, spread that around evenly. And I’m gonna take some fresh mozzarella and you’re just gonna start
ripping it into chunks and throwing it on there. Stuff in a bag is super processed. The stuff sitting in
water, too much moisture. You bake it, then a little bit of dusting of that crunchy penis Parmesan powder, then you top it with your
beautiful, bright penis pesto. And that’s the final pizza. (funky music) All right Link, I present to you the Parmesan penis pesto pizza. So we have penis that’s been
braised and then actually mixed into the sauce, you can
see the chunks right there. We’ve mixed little penis
bits into the pesto and then there’s a crunchy penis Parmesan garlic powder on top. This has penis three ways all in one of America’s favorite foods the pizza. – So you’re telling me
that that big chunk, that big chunk, those are
cross-sections of the thing. – Yeah the peeto. – There’s penis in the green stuff. – It’s chopped up very fine
so the penis actually absorbed some of the pesto, gives
you little penis flavor pops in the mouth. – Yeah, I mean it looks good. I would have thought that it’s a pizza with big round chunks of onion. – Nope. – And that’s how I’m gonna think of it. – Penis. Yeah. – I’m gonna say onion. – I know, just big ol’
chunks of penis on there. They say you eat penis
with your eyes first. It’s an old chef saying.
– Who is they? – (laughs) It’s an industry term. – All right so I’m eating
it with my eyes first. – I’ll go ahead and join you on this. – Yeah we’re gonna go in
on this penis together. – Uh uh uh, gingerly touch our tips. It’s tradition on the show. – Tip it and dip it.
– Tip it and dip it, baby. – All right so I’m gonna eat
this whole chunk of onion. – It’s not onion, it’s penis. (soft music) – I’m really focusing on the
bread part, like the crust. – Yeah.
– The crust is very good. – Thank you. – But the big globule of penis– – You can definitely
tell it’s not an onion. – It’s so chewy. But it doesn’t have a bad taste. – It’s not bad, it’s pretty neutral. You have some brightness in the pesto. You’re not gonna throw up. (exhales) There it is.
– I took a full bite. – And how do you feel? – I feel a bit compromised. I feel a bit taken advantage of, but I don’t feel horrible. There’s not another big bouncy ball. – I can get you one if you want. – Thank you.
– You’re welcome. – What is that made out of? What is that? Is it rubber? – That? It’s a bull penis made out of rubber. No a bull penis is made out of penis. – But what is it though, it’s not meat. – I don’t know, no it’s not. Someone just Google what
a penis is real fast? – It’s elastic. – It is.
– It’s elastic rubber. – It’s the weirdest conspiracy
theory you have but– – I’m gonna eat it again.
– Please. (upbeat music) – You’re just eating
unfettered penis over there. – Unfettered penis is
the best kind sometimes. Do you feel like you’re
no longer as afraid of penises as you were
when you came into this? – I wouldn’t say, I haven’t
been afraid of penis. – You just said that. – I’ve been afraid of eating penis. – And do you feel like
you’ve had a change of heart? – That crunchy stuff penis? – Yeah, there’s several
textures of penis on here. (clears throat) (chuckles) – You know what? I think I’m comin’
around to the long dong. You know? It’s still kind of the
worst pizza I’ve ever had. – That’s fair enough and there’s a Little
Caesars right over here. – (chuckles) Right. Gotta give it to you Josh. You made penis into a pizza. (blows breath) – The penis breath is
strong after the pizza. Thank you guys so much for watching and come back next week
to see if I can get Stevie to sink her teeth into some pig uterus. And let me know in the comments what food freaks you out the most.